Dog With Human Hands . Com

Here you will find the entire collection of cartoons by Malcolm, Matt and Neel. Periodically, those lazy prats do what I pay them for and produce another one. ...like "word to the bird." Ugh. You'll see what I mean. But some are terrific. Upon our masterpieces we have bestowed our highest honor, the RED FONT.

Most of the animations are in *.gif format, which all browsers can view. A couple, however, are in flash format. If you do not have flash player installed, hit up the macromedia website and download it for free.

Scroll to the bottom of the page for some info on Malcolm, Matt and Neel.

New . Flash . Whole Collection . Stafftoons . Friends . Our Team

New Cartoons:

Hellicopter - This is Malcolm's latest cartoon, about a murderous helicopter pilot. It's pretty crazy. Get ready for more of his pretentious cinephile references. Oh, btw, that's a cloud at the end, not a cupcake.

Elevator - This is based on an analogy Matt's religion professor gave regarding abortion: If you were stuck in an elevator, with an ever-expanding fat man with a gland problem, would you kill him? It's an important question. Think about it, my fiends.

Seven Zomburai - A cartoon that Neel made for his friend's production company, Seven Zomburai Productions. They're samurai, but also zombies. Enjoy, mis amigos.

Balloon Dog - Why a dog? Why a DOG that wreaks havoc on a city, I ask? David, this is trouble. See me in my office.

Stick Figure Dance Theater - A funny, old-school gif by Andrew. You just don't seem 'em like this anymore.

Monster - Our first cartoon from David, our newest staff member. In this cartoon, a big monster hand wreaks havoc on a poor country preacher who has lost his faith after living in a house with two kids and joaquin phoenix. And yes, that really IS Charlize Theron under all that stick figure make-up.

Smiley Man Death Theatre - We don't know who made these. But you can't seem to find them anywhere anymore, so until we hear a complaint, we'll host them here! This is the complete collection, minus whatever number 9 was. Enjoy!

Malcolm and Matt's Cartoon - Matt and Malcolm made a cartoon together. Will it be THE LAST GIF? Only time will tell. In the meantime, enjoy, as it's a visual feast. Plus Charlotte, NC gets wrecked, and you get to see that. Presented in 2 parts.

Flash cartoons:

Death Song - Malcolm's magnum opus. It's all in flash. It's about a dude walking down the street, and the adventures he has, before his Untimely Death.

Stabby - Matt's first solo flash. It lacks ghosts and frogs, but I've seen worse. Word to the bird, mes amis.

Clash of the 60's Icon Titans - The second flash animation. JFK and Sean Connery have it out over Kennedy's refusal to wear a hat in public. Malcolm spent so much time on the voices he didn't bother to make them move until the big fight.

Word to the Bird - The first flash animation. Malcolm and Matt collaborated on this one. They wish to express their gratitude to Matt's awesome girlfriend for putting up with their working on this for a couple of hours. The time was clearly well-spent. (Did I mention I'm wearing my sarcasm socks?)

SunFrogGhostBird - (The zeroeth flash animation. Malcolm made this to prove to himself that he could make a flash animation. He succeeded with flying colors, in the sense that flying colors is all this piece of crap really amounts to.)

The "Inspired By Stick Figure Death Theatre" collection, in its entirety. Presented chronomologically.

From The Archives - The first gif animation Malcolm made. It's godawful. In fact, I've only posted it to inspire him to produce something good for once.

Louis Souris - A charming character from Malcolm's fifth-grade french book. It always made sense somehow that he would kill and maim, especially the teacher in the book, Madame Claire-Voyant. Note the lightsaber... Yeah, your guess is as good as mine.

Malcolm's Untimely Death - Matt's first cartoon. It ends with his delightful tagline, "I'm the devil!" This inspired lots of hate mail in the early days.

The Ill-Fated Skater - Neel's first cartoon. Neel admits the animation is not the best, but the art direction is sublime.

Head Lid - For a time, fortunecity.com, their free host, set them up with a dot com address, and they selected HeadLid.com. Well, the name comes from this cartoon! Another early Malcolm effort.

The Bullet - For whatever reason, this cartoon also attracted controversy. Someone cited it on a webpage as a "worst of the web" example. Malcolm thought this was awesome.

Matt's Untimely Death - Malcolm's revenge for his death. Note that Matt is playing his guitar upside down. That wasn't a sly joke; Malcolm was just that clueless about the guitar.

The Eye - Another "I'm the devil" cartoon by Matt. A guy takes a big chomp out of another guy. You must understand, Matt had lots of ambition, but very little time, and often gave up in frustration. Yet even in this early work, you can see the twisted genius waiting to spring out.

The Comet - Neel's second animation. A comet comes to earth. What will it bring? You'll have to watch to find out.

Le Bonhomme de Neige - The true story of the mascot of the Quebec Winter Carnival who, on odd years, kills patrons of the carnival in a murderous rampage.

Homage To Matt Calvert - Their site was named Inspired by Stick Figure Death Theatre, paying homage, of course, to Stick Figure Death Theatre, founded by Matt Calvert, which is still to be found at sfdt.com. Malcolm, ever the suckup, made this cartoon in honor of the man who gave him something to do with his ever-dwindling free time. It is in the style of Matt Calvert's original sfdt cartoons, and incorporates the murder weapons of his first four animations.

The Basic Theatrics of Stick Figure Death Theatre - Malcolm lampoons himself, but mostly his peers. If you've been viewing these in order, you should get the jokes.

The Cloud - Matt's magnum opus, about a man-sprouting cloud.

Return of the Cloud - Malcolm's coat-tail ride.

Matt's Disclaimer - After a teacher (somehow) saw the website, Matt felt the need to set the record straight. Oddly, this one of Malcolm's favorites.

The Dangers of Cold Season - Malcolm made this one because he was sick of this one dude on dorm doing these phelgmy snorts every six seconds. He was an all-right guy, just a pain to be around from during allergy season, cold season, and springtime allergy season. You know, like aural bad breath.

The Mirror - Malcolm made this one because he thought incorporating a mirror image into one of his animations would be fun. So he did, and this is how it turned out.

Slowly But Surely - Malcolm was showing his friend Ed how to make gif animations. This is for reference only. See the contributors section below for Ed's cartoon, Blind Date.

Spot's Day Out - Neel's opus. Spot is based on a campus dog who needed to be satirized in a big way.

The Fight, The Brawl, Whatever (Some Damn Cartoon) - Malcolm just wanted to make a cartoon about a bunch of guys kicking each others' asses.

The Ill-Fated Frisbee Toss - Neel's cartoon about all the bad that can come of throwing a frisbee. Note the sun's expression.

The Real Adventures of Lewis and Clark - Malcolm's opus, adapted (word for boring word) from Undaunted Courage, by Stephen Ambrose. Neel was actually working on a Lewis and Clark cartoon when his computer froze. So Malcolm stepped up to the plate and saved the day.

Something's Killing Me! - Malcolm made this cartoon, and evidently in a hurry. It's based on something Matt used to say. He also used to go, "Agh! My groin!" But this translated better to fiction.

Full o' Lead - A cartoon Matt just unearthed. Contains his now-copyrighted catchphrase, of course.

A Dog With HUMAN HANDS! What could be worse? - This is a cartoon about me. By Malcolm. See if you can guess who gets to fetch my coffee every morning. It is kind of amusing though... I like the part where I kill the guy.

SunFrogGhostBird - This awful thing. There's not even a plot. Just dancing and carnage. Malcolm made this in a hurry to explore the many uses of flash. See the top of the page if you have trouble viewing it.

Word to the Bird - Another flash animation. This was created by Matt and Malcolm. Malcolm is the large man who wants giblets or whatever, and Matt is the onion-headed guy. The shotgun noise, fyi, is a stapler.

A Peculiar Peculiarity - In Malcolm's opinion, Matt's finest effort. It's just a great cartoon.

Sword Fight - Matt's cartoon about two guys fighting. Heh heh. The race of man has such simple tastes.

Meet Deathfox - A sterling effort by Matt. One of his best. This thing is just plain terrifying. Deathfox, considered by some leading scientists to be the missing link between the animal world and me, is not only a hard-wired killing machine but skilled in math. Watch out.

BabyKill - Lies, lies, lies. Matt is on thin ice. I've never done anything remotely like this, attacking an infant. Matt believes this will be his last gif animation, excluding the Matt and Malcolm joint-effort that will be coming out soon. I hope not... but hey, the future is here.

Stabby - Matt's first solo flash. It lacks ghosts and frogs, but I've seen worse. Word to the bird, mes amis.

Death Song - A cartoon by Malcolm. The odyssey of one man walking down the street, and the adventures he has before his Untimely Death.

Seven Zomburai - A cartoon that Neel made for his friend's production company, Seven Zomburai Productions. They're samurai, but also zombies. Enjoy, mis amigos.

Cartoons from our staff

Balloon Dog - Why a dog? Why a DOG that wreaks havoc on a city, I ask? David, this is trouble. See me in my office.

Stick Figure Dance Theater - A funny, old-school gif by Andrew. You just don't seem 'em like this anymore.

6 Short Films by Andrew - An Andrew collection for you. These are six short animations of his. They're delightful. My favorite is the one where that guy dies.

Spear - Another Andrew cartoon. It's a duel, of sorts.

Hammer - Matt's bro Andrew, who is joining us as a Featured Contributor, made this one. Lots of fighting! Huzzah!

Friend cartoons

Noops - This is by Matt's girlfriend, about meeting him and wanting to kill him.

Blind Date - Malcolm and Neel's friend Ed came up with this one. It's like Sybil meets Dressed To Kill.

Jase's Cartoon - Jase was a friend of ours in high school. He made this one. Jase is much better at many other things.

Rob The Golfer - Made by Matt and Malcolm's hallmate Chris, ostensibly about Malcolm's roommate. Wholly untrue, as Malcolm assures me.

Malcolm cranked out a little copy about the creative team. Check it out:

Meet Our Creative Team!

I can't decide if Matt looks like the coolest guy in town or just an idiot. That's the problem with a getup like that. But I'm leaning towards the former.

Malcolm writes and does cartoons. He's back home in the South now, after two years in the frozen tundra that is the midwest. And yes, Paul Simon was right, the moustache was a bad idea.

Neel... this is your picture until you send us a better one.

Featured Contributors

Stevie writes for us. At any given time he will reliably be juggling about three different women to feel big. It is unclear whom he hates.

Andrew is Matt's brother. We're showcasing his work from a few years ago, just uncovered on Matt's and his old computer. I'm told Andrew has mind powers. Either that or the flash went off when he was taking a picture in the mirror.

David is one of our animators. Here you see him devouring something. You'd think it's a nectarine, but you'd be wrong. It's a HUMAN HEAD.

Send these guys email using the submission form, found on the advice page.